axis collapses under shock of leading

The ever expanding Axis once more failed to live up to what is generally agreed to be great potential. Excellent work from two new additions to the faithful simply wasn't enough to overcome what is becoming an embarrassing aversion to the music round.

With everyone sporting various combinations of stripy scarves and new winter coats the team were, if nothing else, impeccably turned out. There really is nothing quite like soft, new wool for transporting the fragrance of pub back to the home.

Showing up for the first time were Ewan (no relation to Darren), invited for his apparent knowledge of house tunes, and surprise attendee Abby, who would later prove useful in what was, embarrassingly, to be the Axis's strongest round - celebrity piffle-paffle.

Despite some rainforest-destroying printouts (we use only the finest mahogany in my office's printers), little use was found for our 400-odd food-related tunes and the complete history of house music. Another example of some cruel red herrings from the evening's sharp-tongued conductor, Dave. Preparation is clearly not a guarantee of success. Damn those Boy Scouts and their lies...

The Axis were, as ever, well versed on the week's affairs and got off to a strong start in round one, dropping only one point on an unfamiliar Australian accent (they all sound the same: annoying.)

Buoyed on by this early success, the team were offered the choice of low brow or high brow for the following round. We made the right choice. Up stepped the yet-to-be-turned-cynical debutante, Abby, with the frankly shocking revelation that kebab-flashing retard Jade Goody somehow got herself voted best beach body in a recent poll. While others were still reeling in disgusted surprise, she continued with some more excellent calls and undoubtably helped the Axis ace the round, equalled only by the nextdoor table's impressive geographical knowledge (they went high brow...)

The Axis were now leading by two full points.

Once the cheers had died down and the admiring gazes averted, the Axis were soon brought back down to earth by the announcement of ... the music round. Balls. A surprisingly successful round wasn't enough to keep the lead for the Axis. It should, perhaps, have been known that it was Darius (lanky, goateed twat that he is) and not Will Young who penned Colour Blind, but the exclusion of that schoolboy error wouldn't have been enough to prevent what I hate to admit is an inevitable slide in the rankings following this most evil of rounds.

Facing a four point deficit going into the final round the Axis were still positive, especially considering the effort your author had put into preparing portraits of our nation's glorious rulers. Again, short-wearing boy-fiddler Baden-Powell's mantra proved to be misplaced. There were some glaring errors in this round which cannot, for legal reasons, be discussed, pending a satisfactory settlement of the issue, hopefully out of court in the form of a free round of drinks.

The Axis were fourth, forced once more to grovel in the mud at the foot of the podium.

Disgust and self-loathing prevents me from continuing.

Bring on the darts, snooker and WAGs.